Dreaming is complicated

I recently saw this article about dream jobs around the world. Turns out I actually have the number 2 job: writer. But what does it mean to be a writer? Writers come in all shapes and sizes. Writing also tends to be more enjoyable when the topic is something you’re passionate about. Or when you’re the one in control of where the words go.

But it only tends to be that way. It isn’t always that way.

For example, writing freely here on my blog, without constraints or motives, that’s fun for me. Yet somehow, I’m not doing this at every chance I get. Writing is still hard work. It’s still vulnerable and daunting.

Like any art, really. You have the you that is doing the writing. The you that is reading what you’re writing. The you that is judging. And the you that just couldn’t be bothered with the effort. The judger is the one that compels us to procrastinate. The one that couldn’t be bothered compels us to do easier, more fun tasks. Both hope to avoid the inevitable disappointment that our work is not perfect. Because we all know there is no such thing.

Yet somehow, being a writer was always on my list of dream jobs. It still is. And I’m grateful I get to do it. Even if it isn’t always the way I would want. Even if the judger and the can’t-be-bothered parts of me creep in from time to time.

Speaking of dreams.

I like to dream during the day. I’ve always been a day dreamer. It’s how I pictured myself as a writer. It’s how I knew I wanted to be an artist. It’s probably the reason why both of those things came true. Dreaming during the day is good. If you remember to still live your life and follow those dreams.

But dreams at night? That’s another story entirely. I do not enjoy dreaming at night.

At night, my dreams are not quite nightmares, but not blissful, fun lolipops and rainbow dreams either. They’re stressful, bizarre, and anxiety ridden. I often wake up feeling unrested. I know this is common. I know that meditation, a better bed time routine, more gratitude can all help relieve stress throughout my days and help shift the state of my dreams at night.

So for me. Dreams are complicated. It’s kind of like this doodle. There’s excitement blossoming, but there’s also pain and suffering. There’s the one doing the dreaming, the one watching the dream, the one judging the dream, and the one who wished to avoid the dream altogether. Somehow I have to get them to work together and take control. Lay down and get to work, start writing dreams that I am actually passionate about. So I can wake up and feel good about the night ahead.